UPDATE: Wow, I was wrong. Things weren't so bad back in 2017... ah... the good ol' days. 2020-2021 have proven to be some preeeeeeeeeeety bad years, both for me personally and all that ebola stuff. Damn.
I'm growing quite tired of negative news. Look, I know bad shit is happenin all over the world everyday. But just once in a while, I'd like to read or hear about some random good news. It would look something like this for example (these might be true stories):
MAN LETS CAR GET OVER DUE TO LANE CLOSURE
In an unexpected twist of fate, one driver found themselves stuck when the lane they were traveling in ended due to construction. Another driver waved them over, even though there had been adequate notice of the closure. "He must have came down from heaven" said the merging motorist. "Initially, I wanted to say screw that car. But I dug down deep, like really deep, and remembered a time when I had to merge. It took everything I had to delay my commute by 2 seconds, but man, I did it" said the good samaritan.
FELON PETS DOG
San Quentin, CA
A man recently released from prison saw a stray dog approach him as he left the heavily guarded gates. "Initially, my prison instinct told me to shank it" the convict said. "But it was all fluffy and stuff". The man then spent the next 10 minutes petting the dog, and even gave him a shake. As a single tear formed in his hardened eyes, he did something he had not done in years. He smiled. "I didn't know what the fuck was happening" he said. "My face and mouth got all contorted and shit. It was weird". The man does not appear to have committed any new crimes since his release 3 hours ago.
GUY DOESN'T YELL AT PANHANDLER TO GET JOB
A local man found himself in awe at his own self control last Friday when he saw a disheveled man standing on the corner of the intersection with a pathetic cardboard sign. "At first I was like, aw shit. Time to release some of my frustration on this poor bastard!" The man said he began to feel something weird when he read the sign's message. "Just I was getting close to him, I saw what the sign said. It said 'lost job please help'. I remembered I lost a few jobs in my day". The man did not realize that he was experiencing a lost trait of our ancestors known as empathy. He did redeem himself later that day by whistling at a young woman as she jogged on the sidewalk. "I'm thinking about going to therapy for it" he said.
RACIST GUY HOLDS DOOR FOR BLACK DUDE
In an unprecedented display of compassion and understanding, a known racist found himself perplexed and confused when he held the door for the person following him into the local gas station. "I just saw someone out of the corner of my eye, and you know, I kind of held the door since they were right there". The man said he didn't realize the other guy was black until it was too late. "Then I saw he was black, but he was all like 'thanks' and stuff. Then he bought a Bud Light, and I almost cried 'cuz, damn, I like Bud Light too!" The realization that maybe we aren't all so different hit the man hard. "Don't get me wrong, I love hating on people. But maybe there's enough reasons to hate people other than things they have no control over". The man entered a rehabilitation facility and says he hasn't "hated" on anyone in 9 days.
COLLEGE STUDENT GIVES GUY $2
Des Moines, IA
A young man was getting a snack before a college class early one winter morning when he was approached by what appeared to be a homeless man. "It was bitterly cold that morning" he recalled. What happened next was an earthshaking testament to honesty. "The dude asked me for a couple of bucks, just like others before". Then what occurred shook the young man to the very core. "I asked him what he needed it for. And he told me 'honestly, I need a beer'." The young man happily gave $2 to the beggar. "Damn, I appreciated his honesty. If I was homeless, I'd probably want a beer at 7 in the morning too. Heck, I was about to buy a beer myself before class".
NO TERRORISM TODAY
Earth, Milky Way
For the first time in years, there did not appear to be any terroristic acts of violence today. No random strangers were shot, stabbed, maimed, bombed, or ran over by some random person. Some guy did get shot in California, but that's because he tried to rob a helpless old lady who happened to be packing heat. I think we'll let that one slide.
NEWLY REMARRIED MAN DOESNT BEAT RED-HEADED STEPCHILD
A Seattle man found himself at a perplexing moral crossroads following his wedding last Saturday. "I mean, that's the accepted rule, isn't it?" he remarked. After the wedding, the man was enjoying himself among friends and family at the reception. Reports indicate he may have been under the influence of something. "I started watching my new stepson and all these weird emotions started bubbling up. I wasn't prepared". The man said he had previously planned to give the boy a good whooping when they returned home, as was previously expected of him, but began to change his mind. "Maybe some of the things we just accept aren't right. I mean, he's really more of a strawberry blonde anyways". The two were later seen playing a game of catch behind their white picket fence in the suburbs.
DEVIL SPARES CUSSER
Viewed as a spit-in-the-face act of defiance by the lord of darkness himself, (despite that being his forte), Satan allowed a young "sinner" to avoid eternal damnation. The accused and recently deceased young man once uttered "Damn!" upon receiving the news that his entire family was slaughtered in a mob-hit at the wrong address. "Fuck everything and everyone" Satan said "except this guy. He's cool with me". The deceased is currently serving an eternal sentence in purgatory. 'Cuz god's kind of a dick.
BAND-AIDS vs. LIGHT BULBS
"I need a fucking band-aid like right now. But it's wrapped like Fort Knox on crack! But this damn light bulb that cut me is in an open ended box... Glass everywhere...